“Look, I have a simple rule when we’re out hiking. If there’s a snake, I’ll defend you. If there’s a bear, I’ll fight it for you. If you break anything, I’ll carry you out. But if there’s a single wasp, or bee, or anything that looks like it, you’re on your own.”
-Justin X. M. Corriss, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021
Alright, everyone, it’s time to level with you. I am terrified of bees and wasps. Like irrationally. I think it’s technically a phobia at this point. While I can’t say that for sure, despite my father being a psychologist, I can tell you that I have done an innumerable number of increasingly irrational things in an effort to either escape from or destroy any of these flying, singing monstrosities that have ventured too close to my or have else invaded the sanctity of my home or my personal space.
I’m not even allergic to them!
And don’t get me wrong, I have massive respect for everything they do for the environment (and I also like honey.) Pollination, the support they offer to almost every aspect of our agricultural existence, the way they inspire one of my main character’s fear based powers, it’s all good. I have made my peace with that aspect, and respect their need to exist… generally.
But approaching me randomly on the street or bumping gently against my window are lines that simply cannot be crossed. It means a battle to the death or a flight for my life, there is no middle ground.
There shall be no peace.
There shall be no survivors, save those that flee the fastest or escalate the quickest.
It’s a 50/50 battle.
I’ll try to go in roughly chronological order, but there are naturally large periods of abject blackout terror and therefore it may not be a complete, orderly list. Sometimes they’ll be paired thematically. I’ve elaborated where I feel I must, and decided against elaboration in areas I feel do not warrant it.
How did I decide?
It’s my blog, that’s how.
- While playing on our family’s trailer like a seesaw, my little brother and I awakened a nest of hornets in a neighboring bush. We were around seven/eight? In the ensuing swarm I beat him inside (one of the few times I have ever been able to run faster than my brother), locked him outside with the swarm (he was stung nine times, including under his shirt), ran to my bedroom, and locked that door too. (I was safe.)
- Put honey in a jar to trap some bees and examine them. Did not have a plan for actually getting them out of jar. Broken glass.
- Caught a bumblebee in a plastic bag to examine it. Stung through the bag. Urgent Care. Dead bee.
- Dared a fellow camp counselor to throw rocks at a hornet nest on the side of our cabin. He was stung. Locked door. I was safe. No regrets.
- Friendly-fired in a game of paintball after stepping on a hornet nest to slow my teammates down and give me time to escape. (I was fine.)
- Fired a gun at a bush.
- Fired a gun in the air. (Unrelated incident).
- Got my brother to mow the lawn out of fear of there being a wasp nest in the ground.
- Dove into a river fully clothed.
- Jumped into a lake fully clothed.
- Overturned a canoe fully clothed.
- Abandoned my best friend on the side of the road. (I was safe.)
- Overturned a kayak (was actually in a bathing suit so that one worked out.)
- Joined beekeeping club in college.
- Set carpet on fire.
- Set curtains on fire.
- Dropped a gun in the woods (did go back for it).
- Abandoned my girlfriend in the middle of the woods.
- Set a bush on fire.
- Attended beekeeping club in college.
- Abandoned my girlfriend during a picnic.
- Set my bed on fire.
- Ran in full hiking gear for two miles down a mountain trail to escape a single wasp (it DID follow me).
- Set myself on fire.
- Dropped out of beekeeping club in college.
- Abandoned my girlfriend in the middle of the woods (again). (She survived! We did not, for unrelated reasons (probably.))
- Broke glass at work.
- Waited thirty minutes in my car because there was a wasp flying outside.
- Sprayed so much anti-wasp spray that a friend and I were forced to evacuate the cabin for an afternoon (we got ‘em).
- Poured gasoline down a wasp hole and lit it on fire. (I was fine.)
- Stood at the entrance to my apartment for ten minutes because there was a wasp buzzing around my door.
- Broke glass at work (again).
- Sprinted for around a quarter mile in 90-degree heat (faked exercising).
- Submitted an apartment maintenance request over a single wasp building a nest on the side of the building. (It’s gone!)
- Set a different carpet on fire.
- Submitted an apartment maintenance request over carpenter bees building nests in the stairs (I feel this one was legitimate).
- Changed my morning walking route because of one time a wasp got too close to my face on the other route.
- Age 25. Sprayed so much poison in my bedroom that I slept on the couch that night. (We got ‘em.)
Please be aware that this list does not include all the times that I’ve ran, stood still, panicked, yelled, screamed, hissed, or otherwise been generally paralyzed by my fear of bees and wasps in my day-to-day life. My friends can attest that it happens not irregularly.
What about y’all? Anyone else super terrified of anything to be motivated to do… literally any of that?