Moving forward… that’s the goal, right? That’s the great ideal of not only life but of the world. That drive to progress, as if progress is synonymous with forward motion, is what spurs us towards creation, and to destruction. It’s one I’ve been reflecting a lot on, lately, if only for how much supposed progress my life is experiencing.
A new apartment, over 100k words on the first draft of my last book in the Freedom and Control series, a year into a job I love, steps towards expanding social circles and greater financial independence should all read of increased progress and yet for all that progress one must give pause and think of the steps required to achieve full forward motion. For me, at least, it often requires a look back. For all that we gain by moving forward, what then do we lose by leaving them behind?
It was a bit of a reflection my father had on the coming completion of that last book, and some of the anxiety I am having over it. Progress on that front has stalled because, well, this series has been a part of my life for six years now. It’s seen me through college, through two jobs now, and through relationships and friendships and homes that have all come and go while I’ve worked on it that have all, in some way, influenced it. Ending it has a weird finality, even though it will be many years before I’m ever actually done with the series and have it all out there in the world and even though I have so many writing projects planned and yet to come. But dad said, while I was expressing some of that finality and anxiety about it, something to the effect that while I was creating something I was also destroying it. By writing it down, I’m bringing it to completion, ending it truly. As long as it’s just in my head it’s its own kind of life.
So much of that’s true for life, too, I suppose. Moving from North Carolina back home, and now back on my own, meant giving up certain things that the previous locations had, and it’s not always a clear cost-benefit analysis as it is, well, progress. Moving forward. I love having my own place now, but suddenly I am truly and well alone for what may be the first time in my life. There’s also no laundry on site, and that’s a bit of a rub. There’s a tradeoff. Obviously I can’t control a global pandemic, but it’s not as though I’m going to be visiting any of the places or people I came to love in North Carolina anytime soon. I once expressed being homesick for it, because, although I wasn’t alone, that experience was the first time I had lived apart from family or school. It was important, and I liked it.
For one of the jobs I applied to right after college, I had to take a rather in-depth personality test about my strengths. Among the ones it gave me was “Context,” and the first line sums up what it’s about: “You look back. You look back because that is where the answers lie. You look back to understand the present,” or put another way, via the sadly unmade Death Note musical, “You analyze by working backwards. Effects reveal their cause.” For me, adapting to new situations means looking back to get my feet under me now. It makes the progress a little slower and a little more… tenuous, but it helps. It helps me appreciate the present, looking back to plan looking forward, because I’m forced to stop and think about all the steps that got me here, intentional or otherwise. Some of those were painful, sure, and some I’m still recovering from them. But, here we are.
I get a chance to rebuild, and that’s kind of the sense I get from where I’m at. Rebuilding, the ‘re’ being important here, is a kind of forward motion based on looking back. The year or so I spent between North Carolina and now was more a period of recovery than anything else. There was a big move, large personal shifts in my life, and not a lot of growth. Not much changed, really, or at least on the surface. Moving forward meant change and change is… hard. It’s not that it’s not important or that it’s not to be attempted, but it’s important to admit the struggle in even that. And it’s okay to admit that it’s a struggle. If it was easy, everyone would do it. Be happy for your ability to adapt, to change, and to move forward, as hard as it may be, take pride in your uniquely human ability to do so, and don’t get too angry at yourself for stumbling here and lingering there. It’s a rocky path, and treacherously scenic.
I’ve been telling people that I’m ‘settling into’ this new apartment, but that’s not entirely true. I’m not one for settling in. In the few short weeks I’ve been here I’ve started trimming extraneous things from my life. I’ve a house, and it’s time to get it in order. The things I’ve left to rot, however attached to them I am, should go. That will be painful, but it’s also necessary. One can’t afford to remain too rooted to things that may serve to hold one back, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t important, sentimental, or influential. That’s why we’re rooted to them.
It’s a weird thing to feel at nearly 25 that some part of life has already gone by. Call it a quarter life crisis, I guess, call it not having engaged in all the kinds of activities people my age usually engage in, call it being weird. But for a while there it did feel as though I was on life’s sidelines, not really playing the game as well as I could have been. I’m not normally a person to only partially commit to things, but suddenly I was only half-wading into experiences and friendships and relationships and robbing myself of the sincerity of moments I’d only miss after they had already passed by. It’s like that with opportunities, too.
So for all the emphasis on forward motion, it’s the lesson of the past that directs that motion. We learn from the past, we appreciate it, and we use it as a framework of where to go next. It’s true that time’s arrow only marches forward (shoutout to Bojack), but only looking for what comes next means missing not only what’s happening now but how you got here in the first place. The past can help in telling you what’s next, so don’t completely forget about it, as much as you try to stop being weighed down by it. Let it help you move forward.