One of the more fun sides of living in the age of COVID is that wonderful feeling of stagnation. There are things which are generally relieving it, but it remains. In spite of receiving my first shot, writing and releasing books (oh, look, I wrote a book), work reopening, and the beginnings of what appears to be both a busy and re-social’d (anything’s a word if you try hard enough) summer, there’s still that sense not only of a wasted year, but of there being much wasted time in one’s day to day.
Leisure remains not a luxury, but a detrimental void.
Part of this comes from the natural American inclination towards greatness, a kind of cultural workaholic mindset that’s currently at supreme odds with the current experiences of life. Productivity is tired to self-worth, and in the age of COVID, there’s only so much productivity to be had (at least of the kind one may feel is socially sufficient). Therefore, relaxation as reward, as a view of life, no longer reflects reality. It can be harder these days to justify the need to rest, even though our day to day is more reflective of merely fighting to survive than it is living a full and successful life.
I’ve mentioned I’m melodramatic, right?
But, I’m also a romantic, and I believe strongly in the kind of romanticism found in everyday living. Maybe it’s from watching too many studio Ghibli movies. Maybe it’s just however my brain’s wired. I’m not sure! The existential absurdism seems to be trying its best these days. But there is a pleasant relaxation found in stopping and enjoying even the tiniest moments of life. Even washing dishes, vacuuming, taking walks, staying the course of life. There’re part of living, and how amazing and ridiculous is it that we’re still alive these days?
There’s nothing inherently wrong with that. Living.
Nor is there anything wrong with not being great (yet, or at all). Life’s in the balance, and the reality of a lost year, if one still wants to think about it like that, is contrasted with the knowledge of (hopefully) many more. These may be kind of melodramatic things to be thinking in my twenties, but I’ve sat with some version of that for a while. Finding that balance, and trying to experience as much of life I could over the course of my time on earth. Not taking all the harder classes, going to a school that offered more, schlepping up to Vermont in the dead of night after a long work weekend so I can wake up to the peace of the woods.
We owe it to ourselves, more than anything, not to give up just because things have gotten a little harder. Just because we’re not there yet doesn’t mean we’ll never get there. And one never knows what one will encounter on that journey. It’s just a matter of finding the strength to keep going.
While, at the same time, remembering to rest. Sometimes it’s forced upon us, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t take a breath when we feel we need it.
To be good, not just great.
I’m reminded of a section from one of my favorite songs: “Taking Turns,” by the Crane Wives. It has that kind of melancholy analysis of life, in this specific instance of the struggles of relationships, but a line in particular sticks out to me as a long-view of stagnation in the age of COVID, and how a changing mindset (especially for someone in their twenties), may help us all cope.
“And one year we'll look back and say that these were the good old days
So now we’ve gotta prove ourselves right”